viva la vida

1

Date: 10/08/2026
Song: Piel Canela by Eydie Gormé

This past week I've been feeling an unexplicable sense of longing for an old friend, whom I'll call Linus (like the guy from Peanuts). In the days that it took me to finally stop messing around and make this website, the feeling has calmed down quite a bit, but it's still there.

I met Linus in 2022, maybe around September. I don't remember a lot from 2022 and 2023. It was in a Discord server, out of all places. He was 3 years older than me. I have 2 older siblings, and I love them both, but Linus had felt, at the time, like a true older sibling. He was so cool and I was so little, it felt like he knew so much more about life than me. Now I know that he definitely did not. Linus was pansexual and came out as a trans man short after I met him. I had a very complicated relationship with gender and sexuality/romantic attraction at the time. I think he was the very first trans man I've ever met tbh, and I think he helped me figure out I too am a trans guy, though this didn't happen during our friendship.

I like to think Linus loved me as much as I loved him -- in the platonic sense. But, as I said, he was older than me, and he was growing up. Rather than having a fall out, I think he simply outgrew our friendship. I get it. 2023 me was still quite childish and I can imagine it was awkward to talk to me. We still talk sometimes, on his birthday (he didn't remember mine, or maybe he did and just didn't care), on christmas, and on new year's. But it's not the same. We don't TALK anymore. I have no idea what's going on in his life. He has no idea what's going on in mine. I miss him.

Looking through our old chats, Linus often told me that he loved me, and when I didn't reply for mental health reasons, he told me that he missed me. He made me a playlist, full of songs that I still can't listen to without thinking of him. One of these songs was Piel Canela by Eydie Gorme. Sloppily translated with Google Translate, the first verse of this song goes "Let infinity be left without stars, or the vast sea lose its immensity; but may the blackness of your eyes not fade, and the cinnamon hue of your skin remain unchanged. If the rainbow were to lose its beauty, and the flowers their perfume and their color, my sadness would not be as profound as that of being left without your love." The lyrics sound better in Spanish. I want to cry when I listen to that song. I can't help but doubt his sadness is as big as he claimed it would be. If it was, he would reach out. Then again, I'm not one to talk. I miss him deeply yet here I am, complaining instead of reaching out.

2

Date: 17/08/26
Song: Tongue Tied by GROUPLOVE

I'm sick again. I thought my body moved on from making me ill every 2 weeks after missing so much school last year, but guess not. I didn't go today, but I unfortunately can't miss tomorrow. Or the rest of the week. Sigh.

On a brighter note, I've been feeling very #hopecore #neverkillyourself lately. Maybe it's because I finally finished The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green. Couldn't bring myself to write a proper review but it's SO good.

Also PERCY JACKSON SEASON 3 gahhh Nico di Angelo (Levi Chrisopulos) is literally 3 apples tall I can't do this. Love this guy so much he's my GOAT!!!! Been loving him since 2020. Last month my friend told me that I remind her of Nico and it made me so happy like omg yes that's me. Can't wait for november 20 gonna crash out so bad over SOTR and PJO s3. Love life. Hope I'm not jinxing it because I will deadass never open my mouth again if so.

To end this, shout out to my friend Joanna!! It's her birthday today :3 Love her to bits.

This was much shorter than the first entry, but really I've got much less on my mind this week so there's nothing I can do lmao.

3

Date: 21/08/26
Song: doomsday by Lizzy McAlpine
TW: mentions of self harm

Relapsed on monday. Worst part is that I wasn't even feeling sad. I saw a blade my cousin had left on the table and I couldn't stop myself. I was craving it, it was horrible. It didn't make me feel satisfied, either. I felt empty. I keep staring at my scars and the new cuts and thinking, wow, I really did leave permanent evidence of my sadness on my body. This is going to stay here for the rest of my life. Even when (if) I get better, I'm still going to have to look at my body and see my scars.

Um. Not everything is bad, though! We've got The Pitt S3 crumbs. I lowkey feel like a walking advertisement talking so much about new TV shows coming out. Sigh. It's okay though this is what's keeping me from ending my shit.

I missed school basically the whole week, I only went on wednesday. Going back on monday fr this time. Sadly I'll have a maths test that very day.

4

Date: 31/08/26
Song: I’ll Believe in Anything by Wolf Parade

MESSI RETIRED FROM INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL OMFG I'll be sad about this for weeks and I'm not even argentinian. It's THAT DEEP.

Um. I did 13/14 last week on my maths test. Yet I have to retake it because almost everyone else failed. Lol. Lmao even. I'm going to crash out.

I yearn to come out so bad. I want to experience life as a boy. I want to be called by the right name and the right pronouns. I want a boyfriend who sees me as a boy. I want to have short hair and a flat chest. A few days ago I sent this tweet to my gc that said "you transitioned into a man just to be a faggot" saying that I hope I actually get to transition some day so that can be me. My dear friend Babybee told me "when you transition youre just gonna turn into full tsukasa tenma" and besides it being extremely sweet like yes he's transition goals to me!! I also loved that she said when I transition. Not if. I hope that she was right; I WILL transition one day and I WILL fully become Tsukasa Tenma. Until then, I can only go by male pronouns online and tear up at trans joy videos online.

This entry was a mess lol. Whatever. It's #okay. Last day of August yay!! Hopefully September will be better.

5

Date: 07/09/26
Song: Niño Cautivo by Nestór Lo y Los Caminantes

I said I'd make this entry on wednesday, after my sibling's birthday. Then I said I'd make it on friday, after my school's field trip. In the end, I ended up making it on monday again.

Nothing TOO relevant happened between monday and wednesday so I'm glad I was too lazy to do the entry. My sibling (I'll call them Ariel, like the mermaid) got Legends: Z-A as a gift though!! I've BEEN wanting this game I'm so happy. I started it already but haven't gotten too far yet lol. That's pretty much it when it comes to tuesday/wednesday/thursday.

On friday I had to go on a field trip. Had me waking up at 5:30 am just to check everything was right. I was so tempted to sleep on the bus on the way back, but I don't trust my classmates enough for that. I'm too scared of doxxing myself to say where we went (even though it's 2 hours away from where I live, better safe than sorry), but I had a good time, I guess. Very tiring.

My whole class is doing a play tomorrow, hence the song (the whole play is based around that song's MV). Hopefully it goes well. I'm not too worried about myself -- after all, I'm only in it for a single scene and I don't even speak, I'm just a background character --, more about my classmates. Already prayed to Lord Dionysus. Let's hope for the best.

6

Date: 15/09/26
Song: Nobody by Mitski

I am so, so lonely. I've been lonely ever since I can remember. I'm not alone, physically. There is always lots of people near me, whether it's my family or my classmates or strangers. But I FEEL lonely. It's like there's a void inside me that is never filled no matter how friendly people are to me. I think I will always feel lonely. It's just the way that I am.

I'm trying to integrate myself into my class more, because my classmates really do seem sweet. But this void inside me makes it so hard. Yes, they're nice, but it's shallow. They're not nice because they like me, they're nice to be polite. And I get it, because I know I am not an interesting person. I'm boring as fuck. I get why they don't like me that much. They're not the first ones, many people have abandoned me over the years. I rather they decide to not become my friend at all than to force themselves to do it just to abandon me and hurt me once again. Even online, I don't think my online friends like me that much. I'm not anyone's best friend and they probably prefer to interact with anyone else. They're not evil for it, not at all, it's understandable.

But it just gets hard to be by myself all the time. I wish I was more likable, then I wouldn't have this problem. More likable and prettier. More likable, prettier, and a cis boy. Gods, 90% of my problems would be solved if that happened.

I should make this website cuter. Or make my own from scratch. That's not happening any time soon, though. I'm sticking with prettying it up.

7

Date: 22/09/26
Song: Not Strong Enough by boygenius

In my school, we have a whole week dedicated to celebrate the 21st of september (youth day in my country), in which we basically don't do anything except dumb games. I was planning to skip this week again, as usual, but I reconsidered after last week, since I've been talking a lot more to my classmates, so I thought, "hey, maybe it's not that bad". Thank the Gods, I got a reality check on thursday after nobody talked to me all day in school: no one will go out of their way to talk to me and I'll be miserable all week. So, here I am, skipping school. Of course, with my mom's permission. My dad is less happy about it, but I don't really care. Maybe if he was more present in my life, I would, but he clearly doesn't care enough, so why should I? Maybe in another life, he's a better dad. Some people just aren't meant to be parents.

I'm trying to lose weight. That bmi 24 is beating my ass, it's way too close to overweight. Or maybe I just spend too much time on edrtwt. Either way, I'm limiting my calorie intake to 1600 first just to get started, then I'll lower it to 1400. It's hard, since I'm not really in control of my meals, at least not lunch and dinner, but I'll try.

Yellow September ain't shit. I want to kill myself just as much as usual, if not more. I wish I had people who cared about me genuinely and not out of obligation.